Holiday Stress and the Toxic Boss: A Survival Guide

As if conventional holiday stress wasn’t bad enough, adding surviving a toxic boss to the mix dulls the season of merry and bright.

The holiday season is a contradiction of joy and stress. Parties, pretty lights, and festive events bring delight. Time and financial constraints, and work stress bring holiday pressure. Work stress centers on getting sufficient time off to celebrate and worry that work obligations will interfere with precious family time.

For those surviving a toxic boss, the holidays pose a unique set of stressors during the season of cheer.

Up to 75% of workers report their boss is the most stressful aspect of their job. The stress created by toxic leaders can seep into the holidays. Entering the holiday season with intentional coping strategies can help curate a season of peace.

Here are four things to help you manage holiday and toxic boss stress.

1. Set Boundaries

Establish two sets of boundaries this holiday season.

Rule 1: Set boundaries with external parties. Be clear with your colleagues and toxic boss that you won’t be available during your break. If you must, set a daily time to check your email. Inform your toxic boss of the designated time and emphasize you’ll only respond to actual emergencies.

Rule 2: Set boundaries with yourself. If you are going dark, then go dark. If you are checking in at a set time, only address the messages that need an immediate response. Toxic bosses recoil at boundaries, and they will test them. Hold firm. Follow your organization’s time off policies; if needed, cite the policy to those you challenge you.

Remember, the holiday season is not really about gifts, lights, or even cookies; it’s about your crew. Setting boundaries gives you the freedom to spend time with the people you love the most.

2. Center Yourself

Toxic bosses demand constant attention. The whims of the toxic leader take center stage, leaving survivors to ignore their own needs.

Use the holiday break to reflect on what you need to reset and recharge. What do you need to heal? Be honest about your self-care. Do you need time with family? Do you need time alone? As you identify what you need to recharge, communicate your needs with your loved ones. Be clear if you need solo time, and/or be clear that family activities are a priority. Give yourself permission to linger in a hot bath or visit the library daily. Enlist your support network to help you achieve revitalizing self-care.

3. Embrace Imperfection

Perfectionism is a typical trauma response. If the sense of total control perfectionism provides a coping strategy for you, the holiday season can be exceptionally challenging. The demands of the holidays often bring about expectations of perfection. There is pressure to find the perfect gifts, have a perfectly decorated home, and prepare excellent meals. It’s easy to give in to the expectations of perfection, especially if perfectionism is a coping mechanism.

Again, be intentional and pick one or two areas where you put effort. I’m a baker, so holiday baking is important to me. I put in a lot of time and effort to bake for myself and my family. I strive for perfection, but it’s elusive. Honestly, I put in far less effort in gift wrapping. Most of the gifts I give are “wrapped” in gift bags. Another option is to lean into your support network. Create a trade network with friends. You’ll bake some extra cookies for folks who might wrap some gifts for you or run to the crowded mall.

The holiday season is the perfect opportunity to create warm memories. At the end of the day, no one remembers the ideal Christmas tree or holiday card; they remember loved ones spending time together. That burnt batch of Christmas cookies will live on family lore much longer than all the perfectly decorated sugar cookies.

4. Dismantle Traditional Gender Roles

Unsurprisingly, women bear the brunt of holiday stress. Women often have the responsibility of getting gifts, wrapping gifts, preparing large meals, cleaning and decorating the house, caring for the kids home from school, and much more. If this reflects your holiday experience, it’s time to smash the gender roles of the holidays. Talk with your partner and assign roles and responsibilities early. You and your partner both want a great holiday experience for your family. You both have equal responsibility to create holiday memories; no one has to do it all alone.

If you are male in a traditional gender role relationship, talk with your partner about the equitable distribution of holiday responsibilities. Being a good partner is rewarding. Engaging more in holiday activities than you have in the past is a great way to connect with your loved ones and leave the worries of work behind you. Being more involved in the holidays will give you a new appreciation and make more memories.

This time with your loved ones is worth the extra effort and discomfort of setting boundaries, embracing imperfection, and centering your needs. I hope the toxicity of your workplace fades away while you spend time with the people most important to you. In this season of joy, I wish you more happiness than you can handle.